


Mr. Song and Mrs. Smith

by Starjargon



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Drabble, F/M, Falling In Love, Fix-It, Fluff, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Ideas welcome, Impossible Astronaut, Mrs. Claus - Freeform, One Shot Collection, River's Wardrobe, Romance, The world needs more Doctor/ River, unrelated stories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-16
Updated: 2015-11-17
Packaged: 2018-01-04 21:01:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1085652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starjargon/pseuds/Starjargon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One shots mostly Eleven/ River. Usually "G" with the occasional "T" marked. Other Doctors may appear. Occasional same events from multiple views. Shameless fluff. Occasional angst. Ideas welcome, along with a dose of patience. I've recently found myself writing Doctor/ River fluff, and rather than adding it to my Pond series, I've decided to make its own series.</p><p>Most recent story: The Doctor just wants to spend Christmas with his wife.  Too bad he has this suit problem.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Didn't Have to Die Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Not really sure where this came from, but I like it. Doctor/ River fluff. Explains why River met the Doctor in the Impossible Astronaut, other than the obvious. A little out there when I got to the analogy, but I like where it ended up.
> 
> Disclaimer: I know little to nothing about minerals or fish- so I made it alien which obviously fixes everything. I only own the idea, not the characters, which belong to Steven Moffat and the BBC. Please review.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> River and the Doctor discuss his upcoming death. She wishes she could help him through it, but she all she can offer is herself.

After he left her parents back on Earth, it was not uncommon for the Doctor to seek out River for their own private adventures. They travelled the stars, the Doctor and his new Song, always running, always fighting, nearly always together. Then the time came when they met up yet again, where the Doctor finally realized the inevitable.

"I'm going to die," he declared one day. She detected no pain in his voice. No regret. Just simple fact. He glanced briefly at her before staring straight ahead, continuing as though he couldn't hold it in. "Silencio. 22 April 2011. You're going to kill me. Aren't you?"

She looked at him. She weighed her words carefully. She knew he was an older version of him, she just hadn't fully realized how young he still was. If she told him the truth, she could cause a paradox. If she told him the lie, he would go forward, terrified of the one thing he'd spent lifetimes running from. An end.

Her clever man. It seemed their lot in life to hurt one another. And if he knew now he would escape his death, she risked losing him forever. She steeled herself as she too stared straight forward and whispered quietly, "Yes."

He nodded, barely resigned to his fate. Then he swallowed, still staring straight ahead, before he gulped and continued on.

"Will it be quick?" This time, he didn't bother trying to hide his fear.

"Yes." _No,_ she wished she could shout, _it was an eternity and yet a moment. It was me delaying your death, my loss, for all of time, selfishness be trodden. It was everything that ever mattered for us. It was lifetimes yet minutes and hours and seconds where time didn't move at all. It was the beginning and end of everything that ever was or will be- of Melody Pond at last fully becoming River Song and them both marrying and murdering the Doctor. And yet again, the Loyal Soldier found the Eager Waiter, and they both consented to give you their child for the rest of our lives._

His eyes closed for the briefest moment, as he shallowly breathed once more.

"And then you go to Stormcage."

_Where I see you, night after night as you come for me, always returning, never really saying goodbye._

"Yes."

"I'm sorry." He seemed more genuinely apologetic about her sentence than his own. She smiled a wistful smile before reaching out and gently taking his hand.

"It's only walls, my love."

His fingers curled around hers, accepting her comfort.

"I should've saved you," he explained.

"Oh, Sweetie, let's best not get caught up in all the things we should've done."

He still hadn't turned toward her, so she kept her body facing the lake, looking down over the tall waterfall where they were currently perched. They sat in silence for a little while longer, gazing out at the brilliant blue fish currently fighting the current.

"They didn't always swim so hard, you know."

"What?" She didn't understand his non sequitur train of thought.

"The fish on this planet. The lake was once one whole large body of water, and they would simply swim to the western most part when the time came to lay their eggs. Then after the meteor shower of Holly 10, the land was shaken, a meteor created a crater which not only separated the lake in two, but the resulting mineral content turned the originally dull brown straight- swimmers into the stronger blue fish we now see. Fish, which for all their brilliance and ability to jump up a large waterfall that happened through no fault of their own, still end their journey just the same as the boring ones they could have been. In death." He ended his little lesson on a melancholy note, not fooling his long- term (from her point of view anyway) wife for one moment.

"But not before they bring life." She wouldn't let him continue this tour of his on a purely sad note. She wanted to wrap him in her arms and drive his demons away, if only for a little while. "Besides, there's something to dying a brilliant sapphire blue rather than some bland, unappealing brown."

"And how, exactly, do these fish benefit from their colour?"

"Well, they've stopped looking like fish for one thing. And they have a hope the other fish never had." She refused to let him sink into a depression.

"And just what do these scaled vertebrates look like, if not fish?"

"Jewels."

"Rather odd- looking jewels. Is it common on your planet for jewels to look like this? Wait, hang on, you come from Earth. What kind of jewels are you thinking of?"

She laughed at his confusion, despite herself.

"Very large, very precious jewels, my Doctor. Just picture a sapphire moving."

He took in the nearest creature, tilting his head before finally seeing it for the precious stone to which she was comparing it, and deciding it _was_ a rather apt comparison.

"Fish that are like moving jewels. Little fish gems. Haha- Jewels in Motion- JIMs! JIM the fish." His smile at his own cleverness melted her heart, glad he could so still find such joy in such silly moments. He still had a smile on his face as he stared at that same fish as it fought the rough current.

"What's that hope these fish have?" he asked quietly, silently rooting for the small swimming jewel.

"Well, they are beautiful, impossible creatures. Just think of it my love. Their home was destroyed. They were changed through no fault of their own. They have to fight an unimaginable current to arrive where they were meant to be to begin with. Yet, they shine and sparkle and keep swimming against impossible odds, unlike those boring brown, weak fish they once were. And people are always willing to go the extra distance for glorious things that still shine when nature says they shouldn't. Perhaps someone will build them a dam, just because they are beloved."

He finally looked up at her, his expression breaking her heart. He unsettled her with that look in his eyes. A look she rarely saw, that sent a sharp piercing pain through her. He was terrified of what he believed lay in store for him. At her hands. He gazed steadily at her, a look of pleading entering his eyes.

"River. Will you go with me? Not- not the actual dying part, I mean, I know you, that is, younger you, will be there- obviously, but if you- this you- could be close by, I think I could-"

"Yes." She didn't even think about it. Of course she would be with him as he faced his mortality, even if she knew the real outcome. Oh, she would shoot herself if she thought it could lessen his pain. Shoot that ludicrous space suit which had caused them both so much heartache. But she knew that would be impossible. What had happened for her would happen. She couldn't alter it, couldn't stop it. But she could do what she always did. She could run by his side until the end.

She cupped his face as she gazed into his old, scared eyes. Then she brought his head down to hers, forehead to forehead as they breathed in each other's air, sustaining one another in their own small atmosphere.

"Just send for me when it's time, and I'll come to you. Always."

He turned his head as his eyes remained on her, kissing her palm in thanks.

"I can't run from this forever, can I?" he inquired quietly into her hand.

She smiled grimly at him, wishing she could offer the comfort he so sought.

"No, my love, you can't."

He sighed, finally accepting his fate.

"What do I do?" He wasn't used to being at a such a loss. She looked up at him, her gaze full of compassion. Then she sighed and released his face, turning once more to the impossible fish as they continued their impossible task.

"Just keep hoping for that dam, my Love. Just keep hoping for that dam."


	2. Christmas Claus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor tries to keep River from delivering toys on Christmas. She has a plan...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~~Merry Christmas~~~

"No, River, no! Absolutely not! You can't do this!"

"Oh, don't be so 19th Century Earth, my love. Of course I can. And I'm going to."

"River, Santa Claus is _always_ a man!"

" _Was_ always, Dear. This year, he gets to stay at the North Pole and supervise elves. Mrs. Claus is taking the sleigh! She deserves a night out on the town every now and again, don't you agree?"

The Doctor paces back and forth anxiously outside the door as he tries to convince his wife to let _him_ take the toys to the children of Trakis III as a distraction while _she_ sneaks behind the crowds to turn off the darkness filters to bathe the city once more in forbidden festive lights.. She has been getting ready for quite a while, and he was pouting by means of rambling on and on about the propriety of _Father_ Christmas- not at all upset that she had sneakily arranged the plan so he missed out on wearing one of his favourite outfits and hats and had tasked him with the quick, somewhat unexciting part of the plan- sonic and run. Nope. Not upset one bit.

"River- you can't even _be_ Mrs. Claus. And _she_ doesn't go deliver the presents! She's supposed to be all old looking, with wide chubby cheeks and a warm, grandmotherly smile, and fixes Santa cocoa when he-"

She steps out of the dressing room at last, her floor- length gown hugging her stunning figure in a way that renders the Doctor mute. He takes in the red velvet embracing her curves, white fur- like trim placed both strategically and subtly around the edges. The elf- like pointed stilettos she sported looked anything but ridiculous somehow, and in fact greatly complimented the red tinsel and jingly- bell clip she'd placed to hold back one side of her curls. She somehow managed to look both breathtaking and Christmassy at the same time- something which _really_ shouldn't have surprised the Doctor..

She followed his gaze as he looked her up and down in amazement and awe, smirking at her speechless husband.

"Dear," she says, bringing the Time Lord's attention to her face before pretending to straighten her dress as a means of drawing the Doctor's eyes to her outfit once more, "you were saying something about cocoa?"

The Doctor blinked, temporarily stunned by his wife.

"Yes," he managed meekly, before clearing his throat and looking briefly at her eyes before his gaze once more fell to the dress. "Yes, Mrs. Claus. I was saying Santa would have hot cocoa for you here at home when you finish delivering your gifts."

"Good boy." She grins as she passes him, patting his cheek as his eyes refuse to leave his wife. She bends down to pick up her small bag which held the joy of dozens of children within its depths before gliding out of the TARDIS, the Doctor's face still a mask of wonder as his head moves with the swish swish of her skirts.

She knew the right dress would make him more persuadable. She couldn't wait to show him what she planned to wear for Easter


	3. Eternal Battles Waged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor has a plan. A brilliant plan. And his wife will never find out. Will she?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All Quotes belong to Steven Moffat and the BBC. Please Review.

He hadn't planned this. Not really. But it just sort of perfectly happened to fall into his lap. He remembered the baby girl from oh so long ago and how she'd mocked him for his cool style. Then he remembered the freshly- regenerated Melody and how she'd once more commented on his tie. So, when he looked at this young, emotional woman before him, with whom he planned on spending several lifetimes, a plan, unprovoked, popped into his head.

"I need a strip of cloth about a foot long." He meant it. A hand- fasting ceremony was the quickest, most efficient way of giving them both what they wanted. He didn't see the genius of his words until-

Ooh! He was brilliant. And clever. And she would never realize. Yes, it was perfect. He knew the sentimental woman before him was in the perfect emotional state for just such a clever plan. He smiled inwardly, keeping the Tessalecta's face serious so as not to give himself away.

"Never mind," he interjected, before anyone else could react. And, he untied his beloved bowtie from around his neck, and used it to complete their makeshift marriage ceremony, content in his hearts for several reasons.

And River Song, the woman who married the Doctor, forever after held a special fondness for that bowtie so loathed by everyone else. It wasn't until years later that she reflected, after a conversation with her mother when its "uncoolness" was brought up, and she realized it had been an accomplice in his plot. That man! He'd purposely manipulated her to love his ridiculous neckwear! And, try as she might, she still couldn't bring herself to feel anything but fondness for the traitorous thing. Still, that type of behaviour warranted revenge of a serious nature. She may have been young before, but he would learn not to mess with River Song.

She hadn't really minded in Berlin, or any of the other times she'd seen him after that. But now, after realizing how she'd fallen into his trap so long ago, she decided he'd inadvertently challenged her on their wedding day. She was never one to back down from a challenge. And since hurting his bowtie would hurt her as well, she needed something else on which to wreak her revenge. So, when Christmastime came 'round, and she saw him about to merrily place a paper crown on his head, she pulled out her gun and fired. He stared dismayed at the would- be hat, then looked up, horrified at her smirk.

She crossed the room and kissed him lightly on the lips, pointedly adjusting his tie, before grabbing the flimsy paper from his hand and holding it up as a prize, the smile on her face determined, brilliant, and utterly victorious. He looked from the hand still at his neck to the one holding the holey hat, realizing he'd finally been found out. Then he sighed, realizing the war she would forever wage against his headgear was unstoppable. He reached out and mournfully took the tattered crown, accepting it was the first casualty of many.


	4. Second Visits and Christmas Cheer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> River hasn't seen her husband since their first night. She believes it's because he never wanted to actually marry her. She really should've paid more attention to the rules.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during "The Doctor, the Widow, the Wardrobe."

The Doctor was delighted, upon entering the Pond's house, to find the air full of River's scent and an extra setting for her at the table.

 

 

 

He turned his head side to side, looking for her expectantly.

"Don't, Doctor. Please. Don't hurt her again," begged Rory quietly as he caught the Time Lord's eyes.

"What are you talking about, Mr. Pond? Hurt who?" queried the oblivious Time Lord in confusion.

"Melody. River. You haven't visited her," said Amy, tone sad and slightly disappointed at the man who had married then left her daughter.

"What?" breathed the shocked Doctor quietly. "What do you mean? What are you talking about? How long? No, don't tell-"

"Six months," said a quiet voice behind him, and he didn't need the stiffening and pitying expressions of the Ponds to tell him who was speaking.

He turned to her, just as beautiful as every time he'd ever seen her, dressed especially for a celebration with her parents. He took a step forward, but Rory's gentle hand on his shoulder held him back as he looked up into River's eyes.

"River, spoil-"

"No, let me say this, Doctor," she put out a hand to stop his progress as well, gulping and closing her eyes before smiling sadly and raising herself up full and proud, the confidence of _his_ River shining through. "It's been six months since Calderon Beta, and it took me that long to realize just how selfish I'd been."

Amy ran to stand next to her daughter, her best friend, reaching gently for her shoulder and offering her support. Rory crossed his arms as he stood to the side, giving his daughter the silent backing he always had offered Mels.

"It's okay, Mother," said River, her eyes not wavering as she forced herself to boldly meet the Doctor's gaze, refusing to break down or to give into the tears that had constantly threatened her every night for months as she once more faced a lonely cell.

"You yourself said you didn't want to marry me, and I forced you to make a choice even while I stole your real choices away from you. It was unfair of me, and I'm so, so sorry. And- I understand. I want to make sure you know, it's okay. You gave me… exactly what I wanted. And then gave me the most magical night of my life. But, it's alright now. You don't have to feel obligated anymore. I know what we had wasn't real, and it was self- centred of me to believe that that… sham of a wedding counted for anything more than my appeasement."

"No, River-"

"You haven't visited me for months, and I've finally accepted I'm just another one of them," she interrupted him again, her eyes glistening for the first time all evening, "Archaeologist, remember?" she supplied at his somewhat confused look. "Marilyn Monroe, Queen Elizabeth I, Madame De Pompadour, and a beautiful Aztec woman I had the pleasure of meeting once. The list goes on and on. The many women who fell in love with the wonderful Doctor, who dropped in and out of their lives leaving nothing more than a piece of himself in their memories. How many weddings and engagements have we forced on you? How many times must you call yourself husband without ever taking a wife? Don't worry now, my love. I don't blame you, and I don't hate you. I'm just another woman who had a piece of the Doctor's hearts for a moment, but can never be what the Time Lord needs. And that's okay. We'll still see one another here, when we both come to visit my parents, and I don't want you to feel any special sort of debt or shame over me. I have my memories of you, and I have my feelings that I know you don't share, but that's alright. We can still be… in each other's lives as often as my parents necessitate, but I won't expect or force you to be around me any more than that. You are free to live as you want, without any guilt or expectation on my end."

He looked at her hard then, his eyes steely and a full of a fire she'd rarely seen, before he sighed and shook his head, looking back up to her, his hands balled into fists before he released a long breath and responded firmly.

"What have I told you about the order of our lives? No matter." He sighed before meeting her gaze head on, "Now, you listen and you listen good River Song. I'm truly sorry you've been alone all that time," he said with a conviction that astounded every Pond in the room.

"Doctor-" River began with a small shake of her head.

"Shut up, my turn to talk," he interrupted, silencing everyone else, "I am _so sorry_ you've been alone all this time, but from my point of view I've seen my _WIFE_ every night at different points of her life from the first night since our wedding. So, seeing as you've just fixed a 6- month gap into my second trip to Stormcage on your end, get over here so I can make it up to you."

She looked up at him a moment, hesitating even as she noticed the smile playing at his lips, before she ran the few steps needed to cross the room and into his arms. Their kiss was full of all the longing, passion, and love he'd felt grow toward her every day since long before their marriage, and all the waiting, relief, and desire she'd faced every day since that first. It was a full two minutes before they broke apart, his hand reaching up to delicately rub away the tear that had fallen down her cheek, kissing her lightly once more before pulling her into a tight hug.

"Ridiculous woman," he said into her neck, "how could you ever even _imagine_ I wouldn't want you, that any of those other amazing women would even compare to the wonder that is my beautiful wife? My River Song. I will be yours- always and completely for as long as I live."

"Oh, my love," she sighed, "I thought, when you never came back-"

"No more spoilers, River. You just told me I stayed away for six months, so now I have to. But I promise, that will be the longest you will ever have to be without me ever again," he grinned slightly at her still- moist eyes, her smile as dazzling and hopeful as he'd ever seen.

She nodded, wrapping her arms around him tightly in a gratitude and love that nearly suffocated her, before he whispered once more into her ear.

"Merry Christmas, Mrs. Doctor."

She choked out a laugh through her happy tears.

"Many more to come, Mr. Song."


	5. Haunted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor needs his wife beside him, always. Even when she's not really there.

The very first night River slept next to her new husband, admittedly slightly unsure of her place next to the last of the Time Lords, the Oncoming Storm, he began to moan, then to speak. She thought he was addressing her, as he kept calling for his wife. After listening for a little while, she realized he _was_ speaking to his wife. Just not the one currently sharing his bed.

" _Hmm. I took her back to bed last night. Besides, she's on your side."_

She watched him as he rolled over, huffing in his sleep. He continued the squabble with the ghost in his head.

" _Fine. But next time is your turn."_

He snuggled further into the blankets, sighing deeply, eyes still closed, voice becoming comforting and tender.

" _No, no. There are no Toclafane in your rooms. I promise. Daddy scared them all away."_

She smiled at his dream, happy to learn more about the past he still guarded so vigilantly. Then his features changed. No longer did he look amused and at peace, now he swallowed deeply, his breath stuttering as his face screwed up in intense pain. And River was at a loss, wondering how to soothe him as she brushed his hair back from his face, hoping she could chase his nightmares away.

" _You're not really here. This is just a dream."_

Not knowing what else to do, she tried to comfort him by connecting to his mind. Immediately before her lay the image of a beautiful woman she had never met, and knew she never would. The woman held the now- upset Doctor in her arms, telling him that it was all right because she was right there. She was right there. She was right there.

" _No, you're not. You burned. You and everyone else. And it's my fault."_

The woman put a gentle finger to his lips, caressing his face and kissing it lightly in denial, explaining she was fine. She asked what had happened to frighten him so.

" _I stopped it. I stopped the war. But you wouldn't come with me. You stayed behind."_

She suddenly looked anxious at that, then begged him to tell her he had at least gotten their children to safety.

" _No, all the children stayed with you. And all the grandchildren. And the great- grandchildren."_

She hugged his head to her chest now, weeping and caressing her broken husband's face.

" _I didn't have a choice. There was never-"_

She quickly kissed him quiet, absolution in the gesture, rubbing the tears from his cheeks. He fell back, calmer and resigned.

" _You're going to leave again, aren't you?"_

She responded with a sad nod, still lightly brushing his hair from his forehead. He sighed in defeat.

" _I miss you."_

She pulled back, the better to let him stroke the tears from her own face and to listen to the words that only sounded in his head. _"I know. And I'm sorry."_

" _Stay with me. Just a little bit longer."_

She looked torn at his pleading, then closed her eyes tightly before smiling once more.

She caressed his hand affectionately, kissing the knuckles and nuzzling it, then grabbed his face, kissing him and letting him kiss her with all the love and forgiveness and passion centuries together had wrought. And then, it was her turn to sigh as she pulled away, shaking her head in sorrow.

" _Oh my love. I'm just an echo. One you don't need anymore."_

He whimpered a denial of that, beginning to say something more through his tears before once again she cut him off.

" _I know. I've always known. You don't have to say it."_

Then she smiled sadly, and unexpectedly looked up into the eyes of the intruder to her and her husband's intimate moment. And then she reached out, taking River's hand and placing it firmly in the Doctor's, giving her husband away to another's care as she said her final goodbye, fading at last into memory.


	6. Not Such a Prison After All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The new warden at Stormcage has quite the task ahead of him. He has a problem prisoner who keeps managing to escape. Now he has to figure out how best to deal with the situation, especially since her escaping isn't his only problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will probably be confusing at first, but give it a chance- I promise the Doctor will appear eventually. All quotes belong to Moffat and the BBC. Let me know what you think...

It wasn't easy being warden of Stormcage Containment Facility, but Horim S. Vimeer was up to the task. He had risen impossibly quickly through the ranks and had taken up the position not three days back.

Of all the prisoners in the most secure prison in the universe, however, only one seemed to strike fear into the hearts of even the toughest, longest- lasting guards. It was time he had a chat with this River Song.

"Horim S. Vimeer? What an unfortunate name. What's the S for- Skeltor?" the woman asked when she had been brought to his offices. As a gesture of good will, she remained constricted with isomorphic shackles- not nearly as constricting as any descendents of chains, but still secure enough to restrict her to his chambers. Although, if rumours could be believed, even that was an illusion. Apparently, if River Song wanted to leave, she would leave- chain or imprisonment notwithstanding.

"Says a woman called River Song," he shot back, taking her in carefully. She was deceivingly beautiful. Perhaps that is what made her so deadly.

"So," she began, sipping the tea he had offered as though this were nothing more than a social visit and they were the best of friends, "I believe you had something to discuss."

He cleared his throat, having momentarily been distracted by the careful and precise way her eyebrow lifted and the piercing gaze she fixed him with. He would absolutely deny being distracted by her deep ever- changing eyes or perfect lips.

"Yes. Apparently, under my predecessor, you made several escape attempts," he began, fiddling with a ring on his finger "making him look the fool and this prison seem a joke. And yet, you always return... Rather curious, if you ask me."

She studied him, carefully taking in everything from his tall thin frame to his grey hair to the sharp, no-nonsense set of his eyes as they bored into her. She calculated his threat level, deciding he was not always as harmless as he was purposely making an effort to be. Which of course immediately endeared her to him, because she herself was anything but.

"Is it?" she asked, letting a bit of innocence seep into her tone. "I don't see why- I killed a man. Only right I should serve time for that crime."

"Ah, yes, this _Doctor_ fellow," he said, glancing at a file he had pulled up on the holoscreen in front of him. "12,000 consecutive life sentences. That is a harsh punishment. Tell me," he proceeded, "what made him so special, that they would send you to prison until nearly the end of time for one victim?"

Her mouth perked up at the corner, ever so slightly, as a faraway look came into her eye. Then she looked at him, her face cold and detached.

"He was a good man."

"Was he? I've heard stories about him. They say he brought destruction wherever he went, and the darkness that surrounded him was like a storm about to blow."

"Hmm. At times," she conceded, careful to keep any emotion from her features. "But he was also kind and generous, never believing anyone was beyond hope. He brought destruction to those who would destroy others, and hope to even the most lost. He was terrible and wonderful and childlike and dangerous. He was brilliant and clueless and funny and mad, and he always believed in giving people a chance. He saved hundreds more worlds than fell at his hands."

"Sounds like a god," he baited.

"No. Sounds like a man worth spending several lifetimes in prison for murdering."

"So you knew him well?"

"Well, let's just say that we were... _very_ close." Her voice drops low with suggestion.

"And yet you killed him," he points out.

Her smirk grew wide at the implication. "Domestic that got out of hand, guess you could say."

He smiles at that, appreciating her cheek despite the nonchalance with which she spoke about murder. She was a psychopath, after all.

"So, you brought me all the way up here to discuss my victim?" she questions sceptically.

"No," he declares, rising and adjusting the holoscreen to face her way. "I have a proposition for you."

"Tempting as that is _Sheredon_ , I must warn you, I am a married woman," she declares with a mischievous grin.

"I see no indication of such an attachment in your file. And you have had only a couple of visitors since you arrived. An Amelia and Rory Williams?"

"Yes, Mummy and Daddy are so very proud, as you can imagine."

He chuckles at that. "So, they're your parents?"

"No. I just prefer to call total strangers mummy and daddy," she added as though he were daft.

"But not husband?"

"Oh, no- that title is reserved for one man and one man only."

"Who hasn't visited you-"

"Well, a girl's got to have a personal life, you see."

"Right," he says, eyebrow rising sceptically. "So about these escape attempts-"

"Darling, if we're going to be friends, you should know one thing about me," he looked at her questioningly. "I don't _attempt_ anything. I _succeed._ "

He grinned at her widely, charmed by her blunt admission and warning tone.

"And who said I wanted to be friends?" he asked, despite the fact he very much did.

"You do," she said confidently, rising from her seat and beginning to walk toward the door. "And, in a show of friendship, I'll make you a deal. _When_ I break out of here, I'll harm as few guards as possible as long as they don't get in my way, and I'll always come back, just so you can keep this job of yours."

"And why would you do that?" he asked, entranced enough that he didn't even think to stop her from leaving his office without having properly addressed his concerns.

"Because- much as I do love the men in uniforms, there's nary a wit among them. I plan to keep you around as long as possible."

"And I plan on staying as long as possible, Ms. Song."

"Doctor," she corrects him, opening up the door.

"What?"

"It's _Doctor_ River Song. Archaeologist," she informs him with a small wave, before walking herself back to her cell.

* * *

The first time she escapes under his command, the entire containment facility goes into lockdown, nearly every guard rushing to the cell that once contained one River Song. A thorough search is conducted level by level to no avail, but when Warden Vimeer pulls up the cameras facing Cell 426, River is simply lying on her bed in an elaborate evening gown, seemingly oblivious to the commotion around the prison.

He stalks down the corridor, turning toward her cell, waiting a moment before clearing his throat pointedly.

She looks up from the blue book in which she's writing, a smile coming to her face as she looks around at the flashing lights.

"You may as well turn them off, seeing as I'm right here."

He leans against the bars.

"Indeed," he comments dryly, apparently pressing a remote because immediately the prison becomes silent once more. "And yet when I checked earlier, you were nowhere to be found."

"Well," she says in a matter of fact tone, setting aside her book and standing up to approach him flirtatiously, "perhaps you just didn't look hard enough."

For a moment he glares at her, refusing to give into her wiles. The he looks quickly looks her up and down, and he'd be lying if he said he didn't quite appreciate the view.

"I don't seem to recall changing standard issue uniforms to include this."

"No?" she questions, twirling to show off her gown, "I'll have to send you another memo, I suppose."

"I might even read this one," he mutters. Then he sighs heavily.

"Alright, out with it. Where did you go this time, and how did you escape?"

She tutted.

"Why _Sherlock_ , what a thing to accuse me of!" she says with a mock gasp.

"Prisoner Song," he says lowly, his grey eyes piercing as he stared her down. She stared right back before walking to her wardrobe with a sly grin.

"I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about," she says as she selects the dull grey uniform of a Stormcage resident, "but if you're curious, the Moons of Ashbar are back in alignment, despite the best efforts of some Transfilions."

"Good to know," he said hesitantly, going along with her game. "And was this mysterious husband of yours along for the ride as well?"

She smirked as even as she closed the bigger on the inside wardrobe, before she slinked over to him, face coming impossibly close to his.

"Oh, Warden. Wouldn't you like to know." And with that she turned away, dismissing him with a wave of her hand.

"Until next time, Doctor Song," he said, with a small smile and a resigned nod.

"I'll wait up," she said as she began to take off her shoes.

* * *

And so began an interesting dynamic. She would escape, despite any added security he swore he added, then they would meet afterward for a tête-à-tête until eventually, she actually looked forward to her post- adventure chats with the warden. And, he reflected as they played chess one day through the bars of her cell, he quite loved it too.

"And then, a Cyberman came and shot at my old man's head."

"Bet you enjoyed that, save you the trouble of shooting off his straw hat."

"Oh, not necessarily. I think as his wife, hat- shooting really should be reserved for me and me alone, don't you think?"

"You should tell him that. Send _him_ one of your eloquent memos."

"Now, now Smeagol," she ventured, still determined to find out what the S. stood for, "don't get snippy because of my last note. I merely meant to imply that the meals here are a bit bland, not that I would literally shove them anywhere. You know I would never do that to you... Solomon."

"How that husband of yours put up with such a woman, I'll never understand," he says as once again, they end in a stalemate.

"What can I say? He's always loved a bad girl," she proclaims with a shrug.

* * *

"Oh, turn it off, I'm breaking in, not out! Oh," she quips to him on the phone before he even has a chance to respond, "and I'll take breakfast at the usual time. Thank you!"

She looks devastated by the time he gets down to her cell, so much so that he doesn't even chastise her, and he can't help but offer her a tentative hug, which she accepts gratefully and genuinely, not even swiping his keys from his pocket.

"So, you travel in a different order to your parents?" he clarifies over a cup of tea.

"And my husband. Though that's always been inevitable, and I've been preparing for that for years. I guess I never really believed there would come a time when my father didn't know me," she admits with a sad sigh.

"But still- he came to you. That's got to mean something, doesn't it?"

"He called me _Doctor Song_. Not River, not- not my birth name. _Doctor Song._ Like a practical stranger."

Horim patted her hand sympathetically. "I'm sorry," he said. And he meant it- deep in his bones.

She looked up at him, shrugging pathetically, before shaking herself and letting a bright smile light her face.

"Still- he listened to me. Just like he always has. Still my dad. Dry wit, protective, affected when I'm sad. He barely knew me and he still noticed something was wrong. Good old Rory. He never does change," she says reminiscently.

"He sounds incredible," the warden, who has slowly become her best friend, agrees.

"Hmm. He is. One of the greatest men I've ever known. And I hurt him," she says sadly.

"I'm sure you had a good reason," Horim sympathizes.

"A very good reason. But that doesn't make the hurt better." She looks away in guilt, and he sighs once he realizes he can say nothing to comfort her.

"So- your birth name. What is it?" he asks to change the subject.

She turns to him, a light grin making its way up her face. "I was named after my mother's best friend," she remarks evasively. "And you? Horim S. Vimeer. Where ever did your parents come up with that name? And with a name like Horim Vimeer, can the S really be any worse?"

"Not exactly my birth name either," he remarks. "More... a message. Well, most of it anyway."

"Including the S?"

"Well, that's between me and the person to whom the message is addressed."

"Why Horim- don't tell me after all this time you have a secret girlfriend!" she exclaims ecstatically.

"I never said it was a girlfriend," he clarifies, though there is a mischievous light in his eyes now.

She won't press him further, as she knows he won't press her. That was one great thing about their very odd friendship- each knew the other's boundaries, and neither made a move to cross them.

* * *

One time, when she escapes, he actually catches her working her way out of her cell on camera. He activates the extra doors surrounding the exit she had made her way toward, victory finally shining on his face. When she doubles back around, he's right there, pressing command after command, thwarting her every move. He has to hand it to her. She handles her escape attempt like a graceful, elegant dance, and he enjoys watching her as she thinks ahead, never losing confidence or control- a true artist if ever he saw one. So caught up is he in her movements that he's actually slightly disappointed when it seems she's well and truly trapped. He lets her look around for another exit, the guards informing him they were almost upon her, when his hand reaches out and presses the button, opening the door for her. She turns, confused for a moment, then looks knowingly toward the camera, giving him a perceptive, grateful coy smirk and a curtsy, before waltzing out the doors.

When he sat back in his seat, it was with his own contented smile, and a very intense love for the prisoner known as River Song.

* * *

For years, they continued this relationship- she would escape whilst he tried to outsmart her, only succeeding occasionally, and only for very short periods of time. Then, when she returned from whatever adventure she had been on, both with and without her husband, they would play chess, or eat a meal together, or simply sit on either sides of the bars, talking for hours. And she would try to wheedle his name out of him, every time, and he would just sit still, listening to her talk about her digs and her research and her adventures and her heartache and her joy, and he would have to hold back the urge to stroke her face, or kiss her cheek, or run his hands through her hair, or tell her how he would stay with her as long as she wanted, as long as she wanted him for the rest of her life. And then he would sigh, and once more walk away from her, as she patted his hand in a friendly manner, an occasional hug reserved for extraordinary circumstances, and tell him he was her very best friend, outside of her mother. And he would secretly wish things could be very, very different, yet at the same time he wouldn't change a thing.

Then one day, one wonderful, terrible, miraculous, heartbreaking day, he walked down her cell block, ostensibly to scold her for her latest, longer outing, but really just because he had missed her, when before he rounded the bend, he heard her talking- for the first time finally seeing the man who ran with her through the stars. He watched in frustration as she pulled him toward her, kissing him passionately even as the fool flailed and flustered, his hands unsure and his body hesitant, before he pulled away and nervously scratched his cheek.

Horim angrily watched the unworthy idiot as he turned toward his blue box, ignorant of the gift he was just leaving behind. He closed his eyes in disappointment as he heard the stupid man rub salt in his beloved River's wounds.

"You know what they say- there's a first time for everything." And then the worthless young Time Lord was off, leaving a heartbroken River Song to whisper into the air.

"And a last time."

It was rare for her to cry- she always tried to hide whatever damage she had endured, as much as he tried to coax her to let him in. But when he saw the disappearance of the ship, he finished walking the final steps toward the cell that had become like his second home, meeting River's broken-hearted gaze. She looked up at him slowly, not even bothering to close the door to her cell, and the tears in her eyes broke him at last.

"Oh, River," he said, surging forward and wrapping his arms around her tightly, before his hands cupped her face as his lips met hers in a loving, passionate, bruising kiss.

"Wha-" she started in shock when she was able to pull away from him.

"Sweetie," he murmured as he kissed her again. "It stands for Sweetie."

He took off the ring that had acted as a biodamper for far too long, pulling her close to hear the twin beats of his hearts. He looked down on her with a wide grin as he gave her a moment to let her process, before pulling his wife back into his arms as he kissed each dreadful tear away.

"I thought I was being obvious, certainly to the brilliant Melody Pond," he whispered to her hair, as she sobbed and kissed his neck, hugging him to her tightly. "Horim Vimeer. I thought for sure you would understand."

"How-?" she asked, tracing his sharp, thinner, older face before pulling him toward her again.

"I was a fool. A fool who missed out on too much time with his wife. Nights aren't enough for me, River. I missed you every day. I was so lost, so lonely, so bored without you, my River. So, I cheated. I came back. I fell in love with you all over again, daily, monthly, weekly, yearly. I don't like spending so much time away from you. Please, honey- tell me I don't have to."

She looked up at him, tears in both of their eyes before she stood on tiptoes once more, kissing him desperately before pulling back.

"But- we go in opposite directions- how is this even possible? Your firsts are my lasts..."

"Well," said the tall thin man with a Scottish accent, "I don't know if anyone's told you this, Doctor Song, but I happen to be a Time Lord. Time is sort of my thing."

She swatted him with a wide grin, pulling him into another tight embrace. "So- this means I can kiss you anytime I want?" she asked with a grateful, wide smile.

"Well, River Song," he said with a flirtatious wink and nod as he moved his face towards hers once more, "just because I'm older."

And so River looked forward to returning to prison almost as much as she looked forward to leaving it. And until every record of her mysterious husband was erased from the database, "Horim Vimeer" remained warden of the Stormcage Containment Facility. She always did keep the silly secret of his ridiculous moniker, just as she always had his other. When she asked the Doctor how he could stand to keep coming back to spend linear, slow, still time with her, he just smiled and pulled her close and replied that the answer was in the name.

"I'm home, River."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It should also be noted this was written before any Capaldi episodes actually aired, but you're welcome to still pretend this is where he goes when Clara's not using him as one of her hobbies.


	7. Wardrobe Malfunction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor's stuck in an impact suit on his first Christmas with his wife. River has a solution to his problem. Humour, but definitely "T-rated."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Occurs during "The Doctor, The Widow, the Wardrobe." Please Review.

"Emergency setting RSXMAS!" shouted the Doctor when he and Madge had _finally_ located the TARDIS.

He held on to the nearest bar, at least he hoped it was a bar, until the Old Girl shuddered to a stop, her door opening with a clang as the familiar sound of heels approached.

"Happy Christm-" he heard his new wife exclaim merrily.

"River! 'm blind!" he shouted pitifully into the helmet.

She circled him, taking in the impact suit and assessing his situation.

"You are not blind, you ridiculous man, it's just the helmet. Doctor, what _have_ you done now?"

"Well… It's been- _oomf-_ _hours_ , River. I think I'm developing a seventh sense!" he complained, blindly reaching out ahead of him. She rolled her eyes and grabbed him, leading him down the corridor to his large study full of comfy sofas and chairs, an eternal fire crackling away in the fireplace.

"From being… blind?" she confirmed, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes!" reasserted the Doctor, hands on his hips as he faced… the desk.

"Over here, dear," she said dryly. He turned toward the sound of her voice. "So much for a seventh sense," she muttered, "which isn't what would happen anyway, Doctor. If anything, the senses you already possess would be enhanced."

"Ooh, enhanced!" he said gleefully, still muffled by the helmet, "how so?"

"I don't know, Sweetie," said River affectionately. "How's your smell?"

She heard him take a big sniff.

"Everything smells metallic."

"Still the helmet, love. What about your hearing?" She saddled up next to him, very quietly whispering things near where his ears should be. He squeaked, clearing his throat and trying to grab at lapels that weren't there, instead repeatedly patting his chest.

"Hmm. Apparently that's more than all right," she said with a smirk. "Now, your time- how long have we been speaking?"

"8 minutes, 52.6 seconds."

"Excellent. Your taste. Let's see," she began to think, halting as suddenly the Doctor's head tipped forward, and he began walking in circles, the ridiculous helmet leading the rest of him.

"Doctor?" she asked, hands on her hip.

"Ngh?" Came the more muffled reply.

"Please tell me you are not trying to _lick_ the helmet."

Suddenly, the Doctor froze, awkwardly still poised forward. "I…" he cleared his throat, choosing instead to stand up and proudly cross his arms instead of dignifying… _any_ of his _brilliant_ ideas _._

"All the people in all the universe, and I had to fall in love with you," said River with a helplessly fond smile and a shake of her head. "That just leaves your sense of touch. How can we-"

"Unless you want a repeat of the taste test, River, we're going to just have to wait until I can take the gloves off."

Suddenly, River's smile became a lot less innocent and a lot more flirtatious. "Sweetie… Have we done Area 52 yet?"

"The Pyramid?" he asked, head turning side to side. "Oh, yes, we have, lovely time that, or rather, all of time, but what-"

With that, the Doctor found himself sprawled back on the sofa, arms suddenly full of his wife as she leant forward and once more whispered in his ear.

"Forget about the gloves, Doctor. I'm sure we'll figure something out."

As it turns out, his senses were _definitely_ enhanced.


End file.
